is it better to WANT or to be WANTED?

and what is that we want, anyway? is it, as someone very clever puts it, simply ATTENTION?

there are three main types of attention. mental, physical, spiritual. erica suggests that all three are just stepping stones to the attention that we're all really trying to get at: SEXUAL.

sexual attention. because it's a colmination of all three. knowing that someone wants to fuck our brains out as much as we want to fuck OURSELVES. that's what it is, right? and how do we achieve that? you all know how. the text book answer is confidence, right? more correctly, it's knowing what you want. which requires knowing yourself well enough to know what you want.

each of the three attentions can be engaged to fulfill the ultimate attention. rarely do we find a person that can hit all the right points. those are the keepers.

in many ways, we communicate our sexuality with every person in our life. we have to. we're compelled to. every motive seems to lead to "what will make me most fuckable?" where did this come from? sex isn't a basic need. it's an urgent form of individual expression. it's something to pass the time. or maybe just maybe, it fulfills our need for a lot of ATTENTION.

EVERY person in our life.
we may find someone that stimulates our mind, generates endless fantansies, makes us think about ourselves in a sexy way. MENTAL. we may know a person that we just can't keep our hands off of, no matter the situation, they are just a comfortable extension of our sexuality. PHYSICAL. what about that person that really listens to and responds to us in the way that we don't even understand we need? the person that honestly cares about you? SPIRITUAL.

erica goes fucking crazy when she doesn't get enough of the right kind of attention. her right kind of attention, she has to admit, might not exactly fit into the norms of propriety (for an extreme example, see the piano teacher) but it's there nonetheless. and it's all based on the desire to want and not be wanted.

but whatever the norms of propriety are is not what this blog is about.

WANTING. or BEING WANTED?
what does it for you?

in every scale in every relationship, one person seems to always want the other one more. think about your own, past and present. have you been lucky enough to find an equal BALANCE? if so, how did it end?

for erica, being wanted by someone she doesn't want more viciously feels like being dead. there's not enough air in her chest to breathe. the first time this happened was in third grade when danny munson wrote a secret message under a sticker on her valentine card which he urged her to read. even at that young age, she somehow knew that it was something that she dreaded. unwanted feelings stop her cold. they always have. ask jayc, who had to flat out ignore her to finally get her attention. (and in some ways ignore her more to keep it. clever lad.) most recently another friend that had to get thier feelings off their chest ellicited nothing more from her than frustrated pity for people's lack of DIGNITY and how easy it is to be misunderstood.


YOU ALL. her friends that read this blog to the very end. you know who you are. she's sees so much beauty that you're creating. of special note, the blooming romance between jo. and de. watching you stimulate each other in so many ways has made her feel cheesy and optomistic. it's simply beautiful. and tj. she just can't get over how you and am came together. it deserves to be immortalized in some form of fiction. fucking incredible.

thank you all for sharing your ATTENTION with her. she is inexhaustibly inspired by all of your pursuits of self expression.

she wants you. no expectations attached.

and it came to pass that erica finally made an end to her sayings.